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| i seriously think i have gotten more illiterate through my progression in high school. i'm trying to write my college essays and maybe i'm just tired, but i'm not channeling the writer. it's gone and hiding somewhere far far in the recesses of my teeny brain. it's so mind-boggling how i can write so eloquently say, here but i can't articulate myself into words for my AU essay. it's extremely frustrating and killing me ... i feel like i'm just bs-ing and trying to write a "good essay" and not "putting myself into the essay" & opening my soul so that the admissions officer can get a glimpse of the realsymphony.
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| trying to defend something i don't necessarily one hundred % believe in is pretty difficult. and really, i think people rarely listen to logic. as much as we say & attempt to be 'logical' ... nah. we are humans, that feed off emotion and feelings. (that's another reason why i'm not good at making arguements. i can hardly figure out what i want, how can i express it to other people?!)
i like how God makes things full circle and i can actually .. understand how the puzzle pieces that is my life connect.
therefore, i just wish i had the capability to let go of all the things that are petty and un-important to me and simply focus on my priorities and what i believe in & live for. i'm constantly finding myself thinking/stressing/talking about .. really ... selfish, dumb, fleeting moments of life that won't make a difference and cause drama and all this crap. courage fails me when i most need it.
and i've been suprised over & over at the extremity of people who care and don't.
why can't there be more of the first kind?
what makes one person like ___ and another not?
what is the point of caring in the first place?
-.- (i'm talking about s.j. & politics mostly w/all those questions. but i'm sure they can apply to other parts of my life)
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| after talking to some peers -- i've realized how much i focus on social justice / people's perspective > the govt's selfish ambitions.
yay. i'm not corrupt, yet.
i'm pretty pumped for ap gov.
i hope i won't get turned into a dirty politician.
highly unlikely; since i can hardly get a word in that class anyways -- no matter how interested i'm in.
i just don't feel comfortable w/the other dominating people in my class.
who give off that snob vibe.
is it me? or them? :/
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i met up w/a american university rep today.
AU sounds crazy fun. and diverse. and open-minded.
and has everything i would want in a community.
i REALLY want to go now.
choices... | | |
| "...Everybody who met God in the Bible was afraid of Him. People were afraid of even the angels, so the angels always had to calm people down just to have a conversation. I would think that would be very annoying if you were an angel, always having to setllepeople down just to talk. It makes you wonder if the first thousand years in heaven will have us running around screaming like we would in an earthquake, the whole time God saying to us in an enormous, booming voice, Calm down, calm down, will you, it's just Me ..."
the picture of that just makes me smile.
God the serene, chill & calm God <3
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| aish, work is tiring and exhausting, but at least i'm doing something other than being a bum all summer.
and while i should've been sleeping .. i came across this blog post where this church was brainstorming "ideas that could create powerful worship."
this one line really struck out to me:
"came hungry because we had shared Jesus all week"
now that's something to ponder.
work's actually making me think more than my usual -- since i don't have the internet to distract and occupy my 90% brainconcentration. i guess that's a plus to being around flowers 24-7. although sometimes i'm just thinking "when will this be over!? i'm so tired ... ouch my feet hurt ... my back! omg my boss is crazy! why are my coworkers always speaking in diff languages?! symphony DONT DROP ANYTHING!!! -calculates amount of $$ earned so far-"
(that's the summary of my working experience so far if you can understand me...) i was waiting in the car for mom to finish buying groceries so i decided to listen to the stand on my nano and worship (since it is a worship song ...) anyways, i just love worship. and singing. i hope no one outside our car heard me thou. that would've been embarrassing.
work has actually gotten me to think (i think i said that already lol).
- racial/ justice issues. (why is there pretty much only one cacasian worker, and then the rest are billingual workers [ie. hispanic/chinese/indian]
- to break it down further; what really bugs me is how people of the same race/ethnicity stick together ... i mean i do it all the time. and thou they may understand each other better .. but still!! (still persuing answers to this)
- should i talk about racial diversity in my college essay!? how would that relate to diplomacy?!
- social justice issue: while people spend crazy moneys to have a lavish dream wedding ... [ fill in the blank about a social justice issue - sextraffiking / globalpoverty / hiv-aids / genocide / etc].
- WHY DO WE THROW OUT SO MANY FLOWERS!?!?!?? they still look pretty!!!!
while my mind would love to whirr some more .. i really should give it some rest.
my brain might just go on overdrive.
goal: be a better planner!! and shedule time properly so i can have enough time to do everything i want (:
disclaimer: this is basically my brain-vomit, so sorry if it is confusing. it is 12:40 & i've been up since 8:30.
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